Shockingly Good Stories by R.A. Spratt

Author:R.A. Spratt [Spratt, R.A.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Random House Australia

Don’t be afraid to yell. Children love yelling. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be so provoking. If your child’s attention is drifting away throw in a KAPOW! or a BOOOM!!! David Walliams does this all the time. If you do it loud enough, it’s an excellent way to startle your child, raising their heart rate so they don’t fall asleep before the end.

It was late in the Green house. Long past the time when children should be in bed. Especially on a school night. But Derrick, Samantha and Michael were still up. It had all started at breakfast when it had suddenly occurred to Nanny Piggins that chocolate cake might be even better if you added more chocolate.

They had spent the entire day experimenting – trying to see how far they could push the chocolate to cake ratio before the cake passed from being chocolate cake into being chocolate containing cake crumbs. They had tried several hundred variations and rigorously tested (eaten) all of them. But they were still no closer to having a definitive answer, possibly because they had consumed so much sugar it had become very hard to think.

This was how they came to be huddled around the oven, staring in through the glass door, as they waited for their latest creation to bake. Nanny Piggins was not good at waiting. ‘Do we have to bake it?’ she asked. ‘Couldn’t we just eat the batter?’

‘It’s only going to take ten more minutes,’ said Derrick.

‘What are we going to do for ten whole minutes?’ wailed Nanny Piggins.

‘Ten minutes isn’t that long,’ said Samantha reasonably.

‘It is for a pig,’ said Nanny Piggins.

This confused Michael. ‘But isn’t ten minutes ten minutes for everyone?’

‘No, not at all,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘Time slows down for pigs when they are waiting for cake, or their favourite TV show. It becomes unbearably drawn out and impossible to endure.’

‘Like a maths class,’ said Michael with great understanding.

‘Exactly,’ said Nanny Piggins. She’d never been taught maths herself, but it sounded like an unbearable torture, almost as bad as not eating cake.

‘Why don’t you tell us a story to take your mind off it,’ suggested Derrick.

‘Yes, please,’ said Samantha. They all loved Nanny Piggins’ stories.

‘Hmm,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘I suppose that might take my mind off my overwhelming urge to rip open the oven door and plunge my face into the delicious chocolatey batter. At least for a few minutes.’

‘Oh good,’ said Michael.

‘Once upon a time there was a princess,’ began Nanny Piggins. ‘She was so beautiful on the outside – her hair was so blonde, her face was so symmetrical, her eyes were so sparkly – it was positively nauseating. Just looking at her made you want to vomit!’

‘That’s a bit harsh, Nanny Piggins,’ said Derrick.

‘Oh, I know,’ said Nanny Piggins. ‘As an incredibly beautiful person myself, it pains me to have to speak negatively about a fellow stunningly fabulous beauty. But it is wrong to lie, and flawed characters make for much more interesting stories. So this Princess’s flaw was that she was so perfectly beautiful it was unbearable.

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